Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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