good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
barbara walters just said penis...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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