Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
