i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
