When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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