party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
