he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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