Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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