It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
