I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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