the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
