happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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