They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
