i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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