ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
