Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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