he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
a search helicopter?!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We need a shit load of segways right now
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
