We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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