I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
