I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Randomize
