I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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