u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
