ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
