No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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