This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I smell stomach acid.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
