you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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