I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
