so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
