just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
