I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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