I smell stomach acid.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My vagina is very pro this idea
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
