I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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