He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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