I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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