you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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