You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
