i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever