So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
