I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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