Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
