I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
