He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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