Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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