I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
