FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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