Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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