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After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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