I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
