I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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