I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
