he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
