I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
