my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
ttyl tear gas
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
